Words from my heart

It's been a crazy week. I knew the day was coming. I even planned for it. April 7th is always on my mind as soon as spring begins to push through the winter haze. Then life threw a curve ball and all my plans went out the window. My heart has ached all week long. I've felt the weight of loss that our family has experienced again. Fresh, raw, sadness. In the midst of it all the days blurred and even though my mind failed to take note of the date, my heart did not. I cried this morning because I found a bug in the kitchen. I am quite sure my tears, my frustration were not about the bug. So here's to another year. The memories continue to grow more sweet than bitter.

Time heals the wounds that scar

So maybe this has become my once a year blog. Is that a thing, annual blogging? I suppose it is now.

Today is a special day because it is the day of my grandmothers passing. Today marks 2 years and thankfully this year hurts less than last. This year I can feel the gratitude of having had her in my life for so long. I can appreciate the legacy she left behind and I have greater acceptance of the fact that she is no longer here. That is not to say that my heart does not still long for her presence or that the scars of loss do not sting, however I would rather focus on celebrating her life than mourning the loss. I am sure she would have it that way.

So here are a few things I think you should know about her........

Her name was Setsu Iwata Williams. I called her Obaasan. She grew up in Sapporo, Japan. As a child she told me stories of her childhood and surviving WWII. She never complained about hardships, on the contrary her stories were often full of humor and silly antics. She moved to the States and became a citizen after marrying my grandfather who was a military man.

She loved fashion! When I would stay at her house we spent many nights thumbing through fashion magazines. We compared new styles with styles of the past. We ooohed and ahhhhed and giggled at the models in the photos, we had fun together.

Her cooking was nothing short of fantastic. It was in large part what made the holidays so great! As we all grew older cooking became a family affair with everyone in and around the kitchen. She was always the head chef and the kitchen was her domain.

There are so many more things about her that I could share, these are but a few. Enough for today, maybe more next year. No promises on that though. It may become my once every 2 year blog ;)

This day is getting older,

in fading light it's beautiful.

This wind is blowing colder,

and too soon I'll feel it's pull.

Still, I took all my chances,

earned myself an even score.

Try to learn my lessons well.

And I don't have the answers,

for those questions anymore.

Only love can beat both heaven and hell.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,

for the road is long ahead.

I'll be with you even though we're apart,

but your road is yours to tread.

And so it goes, and so it goes,

and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind,

so it goes... and so it goes, and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind.

I've grown old on this ocean,

gave her all, my stronger years.

Gave my wife my devotion,

when she died, the ocean my tears.

I've tried to teach you well son,

all of everything I knew.

Of how to live this life be true.

Don't bow your head to no one,

and no matter what you do,

if you start then see it through.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,

for the road is long ahead.

I'll be with you even though we're apart,

but your road is yours to tread.

And so it goes, and so it goes,

and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind,

so it goes... and so it goes, and so it goes, slows your mind, mind, mind.

-The Beautiful Girls

La Mar

one year ago....

A year seems to be less and less time to me as I get older. I once was told by a client that the older you get the smaller percentage of your life a year is therefore making it seem like a shorter amount of time. I don't know if that is true but it makes sense to me.

The past 12 months have been a roller coaster ride for me and my family. Today marks the one year anniversary since we lost our Obosan. While she is no longer a daily thought and the pain of the loss doesn't consume my mind and body anymore the sense of loss is still strong. My heart still aches and I am reminded of her at the most unexpected times. She was the matriarch of our family and we are all changed with out her but better for having known her.

Obosan, Aunt Amy, Dad, Aunt Martha

There are so many more pictures. The reoccurring theme is her smiling with children and family. I hope that is my theme when all of my pictures are being sorted through.

Drawing to a close

As the year draws to a close I am compelled to review the preceding months and beyond. This year has been a turbulent year of change to say the least which has inspired a great deal of reflection. Much of this year I am still in the process of digesting and will continue to ponder the events of the last several months until I can make some kind of coherent sense out of it. I've found that on many occasions in my life it is not until the dust has settled, emotions have calmed and I have gained some distance from a situation that I am able to gain clarity or insight.

The new year always starts with a birthday for me. I will be 34. I will be 34 living with my children and husband in his parents home piecing together the remnants of a life I so effortlessly left behind only 4 months ago. Trying to repair a business I spent 15 years building, awaiting my home that is currently occupied by others. It is awe inspiring what change can take place in such a relatively short period of time. While all this may sound depressing, it is actually proving to be an amazing opportunity for growth, learning and bonding. A few things that have never come to me with ease.

With the new year I hope to form a few new habits and fine tune a few old ones. I've wanted for quite sometime to volunteer but always felt like I didn't have the time to. In 2010 I have decided to re prioritize my schedule to include doing things that I previously thought I didn't have time for. I plan on being more organized, spending more time outside and with my family. I am looking forward to riding my bicycle more and teaching Kevin to drive.

Eric and I plan on building a play set for the girls and most importantly I intend on spending more time listening to and enjoying my beautiful children.

A few of those resolutions I decided to get a jump start on............

So far we've roasted marshmallows in the fireplace

Enjoyed a cozy Christmas with family

Went ice skating at the outdoor rink.....

And spent lots of time playing in the snow.

This week my dad and sister will be in town visiting. We have plans to go tubing at the ballpark. I'm sure we'll also do some swimming at his hotel too. Yeah for indoor pools. I'll be working some. The kids start back to school this week and the early mornings begin again!

I'm looking forward to seeing how 2010 unfolds. I'm excited, renewed and full of life. Goodbye 2009. It was one crazy, emotional year. Thank you for all that you taught me.

Hello 2010! Can't wait to get to know you better.

Life is what happens when you aren't looking

Time is an interesting thing. There are moments that seem to drag on forever, like when you're a kid in school waiting for the end of the day bell to ring or waiting for that return phone call from him/her/them, and then there are long spans of time that seem to pass as quickly as the blink of an eye. When I look back at photos of the kids I am most aware of how quickly life passes and it is bitter sweet. My heart throbs when I look at their precious little faces and remember whatever event was taking place at that moment in time. Then I am jolted into a feeling of shock at how long ago it was which is followed by a sense of sadness when I realize how quickly the next few years will pass by. Of course neither the past or the future that matters as much as the present.

At the end of September Avery had her 8th birthday. We celebrated by hosting a birthday of beauty for 20 little girls at the salon. I was concerned that we wouldn't know enough people to have a party and I could not have been more wrong. Nearly every little girl in Avery's class showed up. We also had family and family friends on the guest roster. It was hectic at first but everyone settled in after a few minutes and the evening was a smashing success thanks to much help from many people. In a 2 hour time frame 20 little girls had their hair done, their finger and toenails polished, we opened presents and ate cupcakes. We topped the evening off with a sleepover and spent most of the following day recovering. It was very fun in a spin me faster kind of way.

Kevin is about 5 inches taller than me now. He spends most of his time listening to music and texting his friends. If I manage to stay up past 9:30 when everyone else has gone to bed then he and I will just hang out discussing the latest and greatest happenings. It is a time that I cherish. He spent his fall break back in Norman running around with the usual suspects and making his rounds. He had a great time. I was a little concerned about getting him back but he managed to make it home. His birthday is on Thanksgiving this year which turns out to be perfect because we will be in Oklahoma for the week.

Sydnee is in 4th grade this year. It was a bit of a struggle for her at first, mostly because of the move and many changes that took place in such a short period of time but now that things are settling in she seems to be finding her routine. Academically it has been a much more challenging year between the new concepts that are introduced during this time, nightly homework and more overall responsibility. Sometimes growing up can be so hard! She is doing good in spite of it and we are learning to be more disciplined with our time management at home as well. All the 4th grade classes at her school have a day trip to the Catalina State Park coming up where they get to do all kinds of cool activities. Eric and I get to be volunteers at it. I'm super excited.

Sydnee's also been working on growing her hair out. It has gotten pretty long and she looks great in it.

For Labor Day Weekend we took my family's Ranger and quad up the back side of Mt. Lemmon. When we were coming back down the mountain we ran into a little down pour of rain. Eric and Sydnee were on the quad so they got pretty wet and muddy but it only lasted for a few minutes before we were out of it and back into warmer, dryer weather. We cooked out and crawled around in Peppersauce cave. Avery didn't like the cave experience due to the fact that we got a little lost for about 20 minutes. She's not all that outdoorsy to begin with so being lost in a cave only served to reaffirm her belief that there is no reason for her to leave the safety of home. I suspect as an adult her vacations will probably not include climbing around on the side of a mountain or anything else that involves getting dirty or possibly lost.

The views were breathtaking and besides the brief shower

we couldn't have asked for better weather.

On September 28th my sister lost her husband and my nieces lost a father. Scot had type I diabetes and had been ill for a very long time. My aunt, cousin and I came out for the week to join them. Lindsey is an amazing person and has inspired me with her strength and grace though out everything. In spite of the circumstances it was a nice visit and I was glad to get the time with my family.

While I was in town I spent one of my evenings

with a few of my lovely ladies at Blu.

Then I jumped on a plane to head back to the place I now call home.

We made it!

After much difficulty we managed to make it to Arizona. We got a pretty late start out of Albuquerque because we had to get the springs on the trailer fixed. The three blow outs had damaged them and the trailer was riding lopsided. I'm sure we must of looked like the Beverly Hillbillies with our no fender having tilted trailer. 

Once we got on the road the ride went smooth besides the monsoons we drove in and out of through most of New Mexico. We saw a nasty multi vehicle accident with an overturned truck and shortly thereafter emergency vehicles headed that direction. It was so sad. I felt so grateful that it was not us. Then I felt guilty for being glad it wasn't us.

To top our adventure off, when we were within a couple of miles of my aunt and uncles house we were pulled over. It was around 1 am. We were painfully tired teetering on the brink of delirium. I started laughing because it was so ridiculous. Like the cherry on top. In Az you are supposed to have your trailers tagged which is not the case in Ok and since we were coming from Oklahoma we did not have our trailers tagged. The officer took our information and walked a dog around the trailers then let us go without any problems. I've never been so ready to reach a destination before in my life!

Eric and his parents stayed with us until Thursday morning. It was nice having them here and I wish they were here now. My in-laws met my family and we showed them around a little bit but we were so busy trying to get everything unloaded and situated that we didn't really get to take them around town. We were so exhausted from the trip that just hanging around was pretty nice. 

Now the kids and I are in Arizona. I really do love being here. I can't explain why, it just is home for me I suppose. We are staying at my Aunt Martha and Uncle Leo's house for now. Eric is back in Oklahoma finishing a job there. He should be here by the end of August. I miss him already.

The kids start school on August 6th. The girls have picked their first day of school outfits out. I don't have my Arizona license so I haven't started working yet. We spent yesterday on the lake with my uncle so my tan is looking pretty nice. The kids did some tubing and lots of swimming. Kevin spent the night on the lake with my uncle on the boat and did a little fishing. As of now we are still in limbo but getting closer to the end of this chapter. 

It has certainly been an adventure.

 . 

National Lampoon

So we are on day 2 of our westward migration which is at a standstill currently as the trailer is being repaired. We're all praying that today will go smoother than yesterday! Yesterday we had 3 yes count them, 3 blow outs on the trailer we are pulling. Fortunately there were no accidents or injuries. That is pretty amazing considering the odds. A miracle really.



The next crisis was when we got into Albuquerque. My in-laws are driving my Jeep pulling a small trailer. Eric attached a large plastic cargo box behind the Jeep that came loose and started dragging while they were driving in a single lane construction area. Eric and I noticed they weren't behind us and pulled to the side to wait, not knowing what had happened. At that point it was late and we were all feeling the exhaustion of the day begin to set in. The worst possible scenarios began running through our heads as we waited and repeatedly called them. We finally heard from them and learned what had happened, much to our relief everyone again was ok. One more miracle.
I've been getting a lot of, "should've stayed in Oklahoma" comments. Admittedly this was not how I had envisioned this trip. I was hoping this would be a fun, exciting trip for us and we've had fun in spite of the inconveniences. We saw a beautiful lightening storm. The girls were thrilled to be able to meet some horses that were being let out to stretch. They had come from a rodeo in Farmville and were traveling home to Indiana, a 32 hour drive.
Overall everyone has kept a good attitude. Sometimes you just have to laugh and give up on trying to make things happen the way you want them too.